dumb or retarded

(the TCP has temporarily awakened from its REM sleep to participate in lucid screening's third annual white elephant blog-a-f*ck-i-just-watched-a-really-sh*tty-movie extravaganza)

assignment: DOA: Dead or Alive

i love trying new things. like this floating glass shelf i installed in my apartment during my leisure time. i'd never used a drill independently (powerful!). nor had i ever purchased screws at a hardware store before (15 cents each!). firsts are funnnn.

this axiom does not always hold true however. some firsts are horrible. like your first oral surgery procedure. or your first holocaust nightmare. or watching your first feature-length movie based on a mildly-popular xbox game by a company called mindfire. yea, some firsts aren't fun at all.

'coming soon to video' trailers: a movie called 'black sheep' that doesn't star chris farley, 'red line' which is impossibly not listed on imdb, and 'born to fight' which literally has no reason to exist except to meet the $2.99 price point at the waldbaum's checkout display.

i've never played DOA before so that may have hindered my overall viewing experience. so many questions! why would the DOA tournament knowingly invite a 'master thief' to compete? why would the passcode to the vault containing the $100 MM cash prize be 'hidden' on the neck of the founder's daughter? it's literally under her ponytail.

i did know going in about DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball. so when the contestants organized their own beach volleyball game, i gave myself a high-five in my brain cuz i was totally in on it.

the movie itself is broken up into days, which is really cool because that's how time works.

kevin nash (above, acting) used to be a professional wrestler called kevin nash. in DOA he is asked to provide comic relief. hahaha! the star of DOA is eric roberts whose acting credits include the silver-haired lothario in the killers' mr. brightside video and the well-dressed lothario in mariah's we belong together video.

thank you to whoever suggested this piece of crap.
dead or alive? dead. definitely dead.